Yesterday I had a job interview at Dartmouth College.
As I go forward with my life, I am learning who the new me is. I just spent 21 years being a full time, single caregiver for a guy with hemophilia. It seems so sudden that I am now just me. So what does a person do when they’re left standing alone and have to figure out their own life? How do I let him go and keep him safe?
Before I make any changes with my job, I have to take into account what type of insurance is offered, how they would bill factor, and how deductibles and co-pays work. I find that our community is so much savvier at this than anyone else who don’t live with the kinds of expenses we do. This is something I MUST do to keep Max safe. I can be sure that wherever he is he can get the best medical care possible and that he will always be able to have access to factor.
I know that Max isn’t making the best choices for himself these days. I know I have no control over that. My new beginnings involve letting him make mistakes and suffer his own consequences. His new beginnings may involve some painful lessons and I can’t deny him that experience. I can watch and listen and usually think “Oh, that’s gonna hurt.”
I have never made New Year’s resolutions. Therefore I have never felt badly when I don’t follow through. Now I’m in a place where I have to make some significant changes, more like “New Life” resolutions. When I found out I was going to have a child I had to make changes. When I found out he had hemophilia I had to make changes. When I became a single mom I had to make changes. You see, life is series of surprises and changes. I have found that every new stage has been a new beginning, and that most of the lessons I have learned have involved doing something new.
Every day my heart hurts for Max and I worry about the things we all worry about. Is he treating? Is he in pain? Will he make the next right choice? What’s his new life going to look like? What’s mine going to look like without him in it?
As I go forward with my new life I am equally excited and scared that I may get a new job. It will require moving, learning new things, meeting new people and doing it without Max. One thing that is guaranteed in life is that our kids will grow up. They will do things we don’t like and they will do things that make us so proud we could burst.
I once read a card that said “what will you do with this amazing new life?” That’s the question I choose to ask myself in 2014. What about you? What will you do with this amazing new life?
Maryann lives in New Hampshire with her adult son, Max.
*Note: “Infusing Love: A Mom’s View,” is a blog collection of personal opinions and a representation of individuals experiences. While extensive efforts are made to ensure accuracy of the content, the blog entries do not represent HFA or its Board of Directors. The blog is also not intended to be construed as medical advice or the official opinion/position of HFA, its staff, or its Board of Directors. Readers are strongly encouraged to discuss their own medical treatment with their healthcare providers.