I remember when Nick was much younger, we went to a meeting and one of the sessions was on transitioning from teen to adult. I remember thinking I didn鈥檛 need/want to go to that because we were nowhere near that time. I blinked and all of a sudden, we are at that time. And I don鈥檛 like it. At all.

Nick is in 11th聽grade so we have a little time but it鈥檚 right around the corner. And if the last 16 years are any indication, it will be here in a flash. Since this Mom鈥檚 blog is all about honesty and no judgement 鈥 I鈥檒l admit to you all that I really don鈥檛 want him to leave. As in it terrifies me.

I tell everybody that I really don鈥檛 want him to leave and that I鈥檇 be perfectly fine if he just stayed at home 鈥 forever. Okay, that isn鈥檛 completely true 鈥 but you get the point.

The list of reasons why I really don鈥檛 want him to leave is long. I won鈥檛 bore you with all of them, but rather just a few. As a hemophilia mom 鈥 I have control issues. I can admit it. One of my biggest fears is if he鈥檒l maintain his prophy schedule. Is he going to do his treatments 鈥 on schedule 鈥 like he鈥檚 supposed to? 聽Is he going to know when something just doesn鈥檛 feel right and go ahead and do that extra treatment to try to head off any problems? Do you ever stop worrying about that 鈥 no matter their age?

I say this knowing that I am the one that as he got older always said ‘he鈥檚 going to have to learn the hard way.’ Boys want to do what they want to do. And usually that involves something their mother doesn鈥檛 want them to do. You can only tell them to be careful but so many times. As much as I want to, I can鈥檛 be with him every minute of every day to tell him to NOT play football. But I have had the discussion with him 鈥 lots of times 鈥 that if something happens, he鈥檚 going to be the one to suffer the consequences from it.

So much of my life for the last 16 years has revolved around him and his hemophilia. I think a large part of my own identity is wrapped up in that. I am: Nick鈥檚 Mom or HFA board member, etc. It鈥檚 a little frightening to not know what my identity is going to be when he鈥檚 gone.

I keep reading the saying: To raise a child who is comfortable enough to leave you, means you鈥檝e done your job. They are not ours to keep, but to each them to soar on their own.

I really do want this.聽 I really am trying to raise him to be an independent, responsible, successful adult. Him becoming those things will be my greatest accomplishment and perhaps my biggest fear. When he was a baby, I remember thinking whatever stage he was in at that point was the greatest. Until he moved to the next stage. Then that was the greatest. If that cycle continues, we鈥檒l all be fine. It will just take some adjusting.


Tracy, her husband, Lance, and son, Nick, live in Virginia.

*Note: 鈥淚nfusing Love: A Mom鈥檚 View,鈥 is a blog collection of personal opinions and a representation of individuals experiences. While extensive efforts are made to ensure accuracy of the content, the blog entries do not represent HFA or its Board of Directors. The blog is also not intended to be construed as medical advice or the official opinion/position of HFA, its staff, or its Board of Directors. Readers are strongly encouraged to discuss their own medical treatment with their healthcare providers.聽



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