Donate

Infusing Love: A Mom's View - A blog dedicated to mothers of children with bleeding disorders.

Oh February, the month of love for those who have someone, or the month of single awareness for those who don鈥檛.聽 I fall into the single category. I鈥檝e been reevaluating some things as to why I am single; reviewing the lessons I鈥檝e learned of being a single mom of a child with hemophilia.

I鈥檓 45 years old.聽 If I鈥檓 lucky to be 90, that means I am already half way through my life.聽 I was married for thirteen years, but things don鈥檛 always happen the way you hope.聽 When I rejoined the dating world, my biggest fear was how I was going to find someone that would accept my child and all he has going on with his health.聽 The truth is — it is difficult.

Honestly, the bleeding disorders community is really tight knit.聽 It鈥檚 sometimes hard for an outsider or someone with no previous knowledge to come in to this community and accept all the closeness that we as families share.聽 I have an extended family now.聽 I have many blood brothers and sisters that are all very protective and understanding.聽 I have many people that just 鈥済et it鈥 and understand without judgment.

Over the years, I鈥檝e seen people who have not been around hemophilia sometimes have a harder time understanding or accepting things.聽 For instance, the main lesson I have learned since being in the dating world is the difference in how I have raised my son.

As a mom, I have and still on occasion feel guilt for giving hemophilia to my son, and watching him at times really struggle or have pain. When he was smaller, I would take him to the toy store and let him pick out whatever he wanted after several needle sticks or time spent in the hospital. I know I鈥檓 not the only parent that has done this. It also didn鈥檛 help that I have just one child.聽 My one child happens to have a number of issues, including severe hemophilia A, Asperger鈥檚 (high functioning autism), Growth Hormone Deficiency, a white blood cell disorder, and degenerative bone disease.聽 So, he had a lot of bad days growing up and a lot of challenges.

Neither my ex-husband nor I, were as hard on him as we should have been with basic discipline.聽 We let a lot slide and justified it to having a bad day with his health.聽 We were also confused and worried about proper punis

hment.聽 We grew up being spanked.聽 That isn鈥檛 the way things go in today鈥檚 world.聽 However, our treatment center nurse told us a joke, 鈥 If we treat, then beat if he gets too out of hand!鈥 But we took the easy way out and he became pretty spoiled.聽 It wasn鈥檛 necessarily intentional, but it happened.聽 Micah ruled the roost and he knew it.

Kelly_Moms Blog

The older Micah got, the more of a sense of entitlement he had.聽 He expected a reward when things with his health went bad or even when he was behaving bad, because he learned we would just give in.聽 We had taught him to expect this, which wasn鈥檛 a good thing.

In hindsight, if I could do it all over again, I would.聽 I wouldn鈥檛 teach him that just because you鈥檝e had a bad day, you get rewarded all the time.聽 That isn鈥檛 reality.聽 There are many bad days in life.聽 I was setting my son and I up for disappointment and this was not the real world.聽 The real world isn鈥檛 going to care if you鈥檝e had a bad day or had to get stuck in your vein nine times.

As I started dating again at this stage in my life, you become more aware of the differences in parenting styles.聽 You see the differences in discipline, kids being spoiled, and sense of entitlement.聽 I realized a lot of the mistakes I have made.聽 I was, at times, hindering Micah instead of making it easier on him in the long run.

It鈥檚 been a battle to try and reverse.聽 I have tried many things to help him realize that we (his parents) made some mistakes along the way because he didn鈥檛 come with an instruction book on how to handle him.聽 I have always been up front with Micah.聽 I tried my best to remind him that he has had a rough life and difficult times but it鈥檚 not normal to get something all of the time.聽 He had way to much stuff.聽 He was spoiled rotten.聽 I mean rotten.聽 I was having a lot of behavior problems with him when I became single and part of it was because of lack of discipline.

He has improved over the years but it was a very slow process. 聽At age 11, I ended up taking him to a therapist.聽 She reminded me that I had a very small window to get this sense of entitlement under control and that I should be in charge of my own house, not Micah.聽 While I had felt like I was improving, I still had a long way to go.聽 Micah was getting older and mouthier.聽 While he had accepted that he wasn’t getting toys all the time, he was very disrespectful when he didn鈥檛 get his way or he had a bad day.聽 He just didn鈥檛 understand why I was trying so hard to enforce rules when I haven鈥檛 tried that hard before.

He is now 13.聽 We have learned to cope with the bad days. The issues now are truly the challenges of being a kid that realistically speaking is going to have to work a little harder than most kids during the wonderful stages of puberty.

There should still be consequences for bad decisions and behaviors even if hemophilia has reared its ugly head that day.聽 Do yourself and your child a favor by still being firm as you would be with any other child.聽 In relationships, no matter how much you love each other or have things in common, in the end, your child is your responsibility.聽 Discipline is one of many important issues.聽 Be conscious of the choices that you are making and how they can actually hinder your child and your family life, versus helping them.聽 I鈥檓 a perfect example of that.

Kelly lives in Mississippi with her son, Micah, 13.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

*Note: 鈥淚nfusing Love: A Mom鈥檚 View,鈥 is a blog collection of personal opinions and a representation of individuals experiences. While extensive efforts are made to ensure accuracy of the content, the blog entries do not represent HFA or its Board of Directors. The blog is also not intended to be construed as medical advice or the official opinion/position of HFA, its staff, or its Board of Directors. Readers are strongly encouraged to discuss their own medical treatment with their healthcare providers

 

 

Facebook Comments


Sign up for E-mails, Dateline Magazine, and other ways to stay connected.